Holy Shit: Nominee for Poo of the Year

Date: 3/8/08
Time: 1:30 pm – 1:38pm
Duration: 8 min
Location: home toilet
Need: couldn’t have waited 5 min more
Hardness: medium
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 4
Consumed since last BM: chocolate cake, steak burrito, sun chips, gnocchi with mushroom sauce, 2 seasame bagels with butter, chocolate croissant, coffee, peppermint tea, Turkish apricots, banana, cheese, grapes, 4 Old Milwaukees, 1 Anchor Steam, salad with grapefruit dressing.

Description: Wow, this was a day and a half’s worth of massive consumption, all stored like a good little chipmunk for the winter, and then released with the fists of fury into my toilet. I had to poo last night, but then went and saw No Country for Old Men, and should’ve relieved myself then, being such a shitty movie as it was. Then got home and had to give my lady the banana, and there is nothing that kills the mood more than saying, hold on baby, I’d love to stick it in, but first I need to unload some fecal matter. So, being that I wasn’t going to shit my pants at that point, I chose weak sex over pooping. Sue me. But anyways, I held on and on, and never got the chance to release until now, and WOW, check it out. Have you ever seen so much mass? Look at the way it twists and turns, breaks and bends, hot damn, that is a poop.

6 hours from mouth to toilet, no diarrhea, I'm impressed with myself

Date: 3/3/08
Time: 5:56 – 5:59 pm
Duration: 3 min
Location: clean single work toilet
Need: just crusin by, thought I would lay a deuce
Hardness: airy soft
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 5
Consumed since last BM: Tomato & Corn Bisque with crackers, twix bar, coffee

Description: This is a very interesting poo, because it is my second poo of the day and it lends some scientific insight into the amount of time taken by my digestive system to absorb all necessary nutrients and spit out the remnants, corn kernels, blueberries and all, in fecal form. I took my first poo around 11:00am, shortly before lunch, and was in the unfortunate position as to be interrupted by the fellow stall pooper a few minutes in. I’d taken along a scientific paper (the perfect poo reader, by the way) as I’d anticipated a nice leisurely dookie dropping, no rushing, just letting the poo make its way out. But when I was interrupted, the situation quickly changed and I pushed, wiped and made my way out, barely getting through the abstract of my paper. Fast forward about 7 hours and a tomato and corn bisque soup into the future, and I found myself strolling by the single stall clean toilet, so I went in to drop one, and happened to have my camera with me. What to my surprise came out? Some of that tomato and corn bisque eaten just about 6 hours prior. Hot damn, a new minimum time of digestion time has been set for myself, and it wasn’t even diarrhea! Plenty of other particulate matter found in this poop too, as I could distinctly make out corn, blueberries, and pablano chilies, eaten from meals prior.

Dalmation poo

Date: 2/17/08
Time: 3:02-3:06 pm
Duration: 4 min
Location: home toilet
Need: no need
Hardness: mushy
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 4
Consumed since last BM: cookie dough, turkey and swiss sandwich, veggie sandwich, sausage and egg bagel sandwich, chocolate cake, blueberries, peppermint tea, coffee, sesame seed bread w/ oil and vinegar.

Description: A lazy Sunday afternoon poo. A nice log broken up into two large chunks, pretty speckling of color throughout. This is the most solid poo I’ve had in awhile. Didn’t feel like I had to poo, but it had been almost a day, and I spelled some nasty asian food that one of my roommates was cooking, and it was like a pavlov’s dog reaction, immediately I wanted to take a dump when I smelled that nasty mushroom-heavy asian shit.

rushing home

Date: 2/12/08
Time: 2:49 pm-2:58pm
Duration: 9 min
Location: home toilet
Need: gotta go
Hardness: softwithliquid
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 5
Consumed since last BM: chicken chili, sesame bread w/ oil and vinegar, Clementine, chamomile tea, coffee, twix bar, two beers, banana, bar munchies (chex mix)
Description: Although covered by pee and diarrhea water, there is a poo monster lurking underneath. Went into work today and ate some chili for lunch. I know I shouldn’t be eating chili when still trying to recover from this sickness, but the cafeteria sucks and that was the only thing which sounded even remotely appetizing. So immediately after, I knew it was a terrible decision and my lower intestines were howling to be released. I went to my secret spot bathroom, which is the cleanest single in the department, but was twice poo-blocked by others. I try my emergency backup, the main public bathroom, but there were always too many other poopers in there, and I hate battling for stall supremacy, so I pinched it in. I could hold it no longer, so I decided to bail work early and head straight home, fighting snow and wind, until I finally reached my destination, the home toilet. Rare to feel such relief as I did letting out that first wave. p.s. fuck those trivia dorks who know every single fucking question, I hate them.

More poo from sickness monster (Now with 50% more liquid!!)

Date: 2/11/08
Time: 8:31 pm – 8-36 pm
Duration: 5 min
Location: home
Need: holdin it for awhile
Hardness: not even close
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 6
Consumed since last BM: grapefruit, clementines, bagel with butter, coffee

Description: Hot Damn, another sickness poo, this one with all that citrus segment you love, now with more liquid! After playing basketball (I know what the fuck, in my condition, and I suck too), all that jumping around sent my stomach a grublin’, so as soon as I got home, I laid my tired cheeks on the seat and let out just a stream of liquidy chunks from my bowels. Those bacteria that are reaking havoc within my body are little bitches coming out, as they just will not subside. Well, maybe a night out drinking beer and trying to win money answering trivia questions at the bar is just what the doctor ordered! Damn, I can already feel Rd. 2 coming, just assume its more of the same.

A Sick Sickness Stringy Poo

too sick to rotate, use your imagination


Date: 2/11/08
Time: 10:15 am -10:18 am
Duration: 3 min
Location: home toilet
Need: morning thunderdome
Hardness: fibery soft
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 5
Consumed since last BM: chamomile tea, clementines, blueberrys, poppy seed bagel with butter, grapefruit, lots of water

Description: This is a toxin-loaded, fiberlicious, sickness poo. I’ve been nursing a deathly sickness for the past few days, and I’m finally starting to come out of its spell. This is some of the sickness released. I had stomach pains last night and thought I was going to diarrhea in my pants, but I fell asleep instead. I woke up, decided to stay home, made some coffee, then felt the rumble in my britches again. I’ve only been eating fruits, and breads mostly for the past 4 days, so it was no surprise that this poo came out so stringy and fragmented, as there are really few fats left in my tract to hold that shit together. You can see the speed at which the turds came flying out too by that back-splatter. The little segments of citrus add a nice touch. Here’s to being wintery sick!

Beef Stew/C-Dough Soda

Date: 12/18/07
Time: 4:44 – 4:58 pm mst
Duration: 14 min
Location: parent’s toilet
Need: feeling something heavy
Hardness: liquidy chunks
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 6
Consumed since last BM: cookie dough, blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese, naked juice, chai tea, beef stew.
Description: Damn, this was one of those cookie dough and beef stew diet/ eating shitty diarrhea dumps that I’ve been expecting ever since I’ve been home. Hot and steamy with odors that could kill the immunocompromised, this poo started out somewhat solid, but then finished off with a mad stream of the hershey squirts. I must’ve unleashed about a half liter of intestinal soda pop, and you can see the carbonated fizz too! And that’s the European way of measuring soda too, none of that ice volume accounted for that fucks me out of valuable liquid here in the US. This shit was fiery too, the kind that makes you want to wet the toilet paper down first before wiping so it will cool your ass. Ouch, each and every wipe felt like wiping hot chili pepper doused sandpaper on my butthole.

Wysocki poo

Date: 12/18/07
Time: 12:02 -12:14 am mst
Duration: 12 min
Location: parent’s toilet
Need: pre-bed cleansing
Hardness: lil' bit
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 5
Consumed since last BM: beef stew, cookie dough, 1 PBR, naked juice/orange juice.

Description: Second poo of the day. This one was barely digested, all kinds of sediment in this poo. Due to spray, ass wipage was required on a 7 cm radius perimeter from the asshole. Looks like that cereal that used to be my favorite, called Cracklin’ Oat Bran, with all its brown texture. This was inspired by a Charles Wysocki classic Americana puzzle that I’ve been working on to relieve my brain stress.

2 day old poo

Date: 12/17/07
Time: 9:15-9:19 am
Duration: 4 min.
Location: parent’s toilet
Need: turtle head poking out
Hardness: started solid, progressed to a mushy stool
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 3 to 5
Consumed since last BM:3 Cinnamon Rolls, Pomegranate, Kiwi, Everything Bagel sandwich with turkey/salami, chicken and dumplings, taffy cookies, egg nog, naked juice, orange juice

Description: I let a whole Sunday of watching football in my underwear slip by and was having such a great time I forgot to poop all day. So when I woke up this morning, that poo was coming out. Damn, it felt good, there is nothing like a sweet morning dump to start the day off with a bang, hells yeah. The poop itself started out rock solid, then got all soft and lumpy, then turned into a hot poo film spewing in liquid form.

Three Logs plus more!

Date: 12/15/07
Time: 8:16 – 8:28 pm est
Duration: 12 min
Location: parent’s toilet
Need: hells yeah
Hardness: medium
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 4
Consumed since last BM: chicken and dumplings, brandy/egg nog, cookie dough, grilled cheese sandwich w/ tomato and guacamole, taffy cookies, pomegranate, 1 PBR, blueberry bagel w/ strawberry cream cheese, gummy life savers, milky way bar, beef jerky, Gatorade.

Description: Hot and heavy, this poo has been stewing since this morning. Went for a hike today and ate some nasty trail food (see Gummy Life Savers above). This led to some serious intestinal feedback on the way down the trail. My stomach was brewing and gurgling like crazy, and if I had pulled my pants down right then and there, some mud butter would have emerged no doubt. But instead I let it simmer for a number of hours. The result, as you see, is a nice triad of logs, timbered straight out the butt pube forest. Shit burned a little around the anus coming out, which I’m attributing to the brandy/egg nog concoction.


Special Bonus: After flushing, a second wave came over me, and I had to rush my ass back to the seat and let rd. 2 slide out. In case I wasn’t a believer, rd. 2 definitely confirmed anal burning. Ouch.

SPECIAL BONUS: Brother poo

So, I went to take a pee this evening, and I open the toilet seat, and what do I see? An early christmas present left for me from my brother. Thanks Brother. You left my present just for me to find it early and get all excited, didn't you? But brother, I have to tell you, that is a classic #2 poo, and judging by the dryness and cracks in the poo, it looks like you may need to drink a bit more water.

Machu Picchpoo

Date: 12/14/07
Time: 11:15-11:19 am mst
Duration: 4 min
Location: parent’s toilet
Need: eh.
Hardness: soft lumps
Bristol Stool Chart Type: 5
Consumed since last BM: calzone, cookie dough, roast pork, basmati rice, bread, blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese, 2 PBR beers, naked juice, pomegranate

Description: Reminds me of the architecture of Machu Picchu, in the way the layers build upon each other. Nothing special, just a typical # 5 softie poo.